so torn.

i have become what i've always hated/really looked down upon. a hypocrite...not just any hypocrite, but, worse, a Christian one. i've always, and still do, stand by what i believe: if you don't have your heart in it, don't do it. and yet, here i sit, doing exactly what i have always stood against.

in a way, i don't have a choice. it's probably the one thing that my parents completely stand by. i have to attend church, but i just don't want to be here anymore. my mind's not here, my spirit's not here, neither is my heart. there are times that i feel such guilt for just taking up space.

how did i get so far from God? i could easily place the blame on ccf, but that's not fair. the politics there is only the last straw. this all started w/ barely feeling God in my life these days. doubts that He may not even be there. looking back, i can see that i've done pretty well on my own. so is He actually rally there? not like He's guiding me or anything rite now. to Christians, it's probably almost sacrilegious to say such a thing, but it's the truth.

everyday, i can subconsciously feel myself sliding farther and farther away. why do i not bother to try to stop it? because i just don't want to, i just don't care. i'd rather live my life honestly, even if it means turning my back on everything that i've been taught. to me, honestly is more important than putting up a Christian front.

on the plus side, there is still hope for me one day. there are times where i do feel like wanting to 'be' a Christian. not just fake it, but to really worship Him. but those moments are far and few...very far and few.

i know that one day i’ll go back to God, but for now, i feel as though i need a hiatus from it. to get some perspective on where my life is going.

so here, i’m torn. my parents don’t understand and i doubt that they’ll ever understand. it’s just not something that they’re used to.

i’m too rooted in Christianity to hold no hope for my in the future. Nor do i wish for others to follow in my footsteps. i do wish for others to continue to strive for God, to call Jesus as their Saviour. He is God, He is THE Saviour. there’s no doubt of that in my mind, but i just doubt my position/stance on/in/of it.

does it sound contradictory, yeah, it does, even to me…thus feeling so torn inside.

thanks for reading thus far and know that i do treasure you as friends, gifts from God.

much love,

~ care