why?

why is there so much pain in the world? why must i get so much pain? what have i done to deserved this? what sin have i commited to deserve such suffering? if only You'd tell me, i'd fix it. cuz i sure as hell don't want to suffer anymore.

am i to go through a Job phase? are You testing my endurance? my faith? cuz quite frankly, You know that it's still pretty low. i've crossed many hurdles to get to where i am. many trials and tribulations..and i sure thought i was doing well...until times like these.

i'd thought i was increasing my faith in You. and although i'm not doubting Your existance or power, i have to know why? where were You in all of this? because You sure weren't there easing my pain..and if You were, no 'fence, but You've got some lousy timing. it's too late to take back what's been done and erase the pain. it's there. ingrained into my mind, my memory, what'll shape me to what i am to be. and not only me but to others as well.

and if it's not You doing it but Satan, why are You letting him? can't You see that i can't take anymore. You know i'm not one to cry and act like a wuss, and that it takes a lot to make me cry. and to get me to this point is beyond the normal 'issues' that one faces.

wasn't breaking me down numerous times enough pain to direct my way? why must You add more? i know You can see me hurting..suffering..wanting it to all go away. but why can't You just take it all away. why?

i want things to go smoothly for once. just for once, i'd like to have a normal family setting. one that doesn't involve a vast amount of conflicts, pain, embarassment, anger, hatred, etc. everybody else has got it? why can't i?

the power struggle is tough. the pride struggle is tough, and so is the stubbornness. but there's only oh-so-much i can do. and i just don't see how or why i would want to do anything about it anymore. You know how i've tried so many times..only to run into a brick wall, the size of the Great Big Wall of China..and beyond that too.

there are times when i just want to end it all. and this is cutting it close. a tad too close.